put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
