Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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