Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
