Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
