yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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