Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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