On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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