I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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