Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
