Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
