highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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