I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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