how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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