I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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