Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
