sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
