I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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