Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
