So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
