he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
