Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
