Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
