yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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