Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
