All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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