Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
