I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My day in three words: secret purse cake
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
