whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
