Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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