how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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