Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Randomize
