I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
