dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
