Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
