So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
