College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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