I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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