He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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