Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
