I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
