We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
