watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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