from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Also, beer. Big fan.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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