I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
