My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
