She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
