guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
