I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
