me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
