His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
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