mondays should just be called national damage control day
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
