I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
